That's enough American Apparel, that's enough.

A few weeks ago I posted a hilarious link about the new Bag O' Scraps...literally a bag of the assorted excess fabric pieces from the sweaty (yet US-made) factory floor, currently available at American Apparel for an unnecessary amount of money. I am all for many of the bizarre items these stores have to offer - onesies are my absolute favorite thing to wear, they have neon in abundance, and of course every type of comfortable t-shirt known to man. Recently, however, while scouring the shelves for a new pair of stirrup tights I came across a new product that shocked even me. My moral compass isn't exactly always pointed in the most pious direction but one look at CUT-OUT PANTYHOSE and I began to laugh.

Now. There are so many things wrong with this I do not even know where to begin. For one, they seem to feature a control top of sorts but I'm wondering how well this function works when THERE IS LITERALLY A GAPING HOLE EXPOSING YOUR ASS CHEEKS. Free willy. I found myself wondering, where, WHERE in god's name do you wear such a thing?? I think most people out there are pretty rational and can hypothesize a lengthy list of why this is a fashion don't but I've decided to go along with AA's little scheme and propose a few places where wearing assless tights would work just fine.

1) Adult Entertainment Convention. Sasha Grey, the pornstar turned indie actress who is modeling these buttless wonders is certainly no stranger to Las Vegas's very own AVN awards. If she's wearing them, they must be ok. (don't ask how or why I know this)

2) A Frat Party. Before you bring on the judgement, ladies, I know you've all been in a situation where you don't want to sacrifice sexy for panty lines...and, especially when you're wearing a skirt, it's hard to ward off creepy fingers on the dance floor. (no? ok.) But THIS miracle product provides a protective barrier to your lady parts while still vamping up the backdoor sexy.

3) The Beach. These pantyhose are basically the opposite silhouette of the average bikini bottom, so to avoid ugly backside tanlines, these are clearly the right choice.

4) Walking your dog. why not?!

5) Setting a Good Example. Fashion is important. Children are our future and they need to know that American Apparel is the classiest place to suit up - now and forever.

Baby got back indeed.

These items, including a new maternity wear line, are all available at AA's online store. In conclusion, my only real complaint about this whole ordeal is the fact that they haven't come out with the stirrup version yet! Christmas '09 y'all!!

So Much Publicity!

last vestige of my former life.

Just as the blog seems to be picking up steam and notoriety (HA HA just as I always predicted, of course. but for real I'm obsessed with anyone reading this right now) it seems that I have become busy somehow! Not busy like "omg-the new melrose place is on at the same time as 18 kids and counting" but ACTUALLY, real life busy! I have been traveling (just got back from Brazil - amazing time, amazing peopleeee getting crazy in taxis...apparently) and I'm going to Canada tomorrow which I think is my parents' final stab at saying "please get out now or we'll make you take more trips like this." I do have a lot to say about a myriad of topics but I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open wide enough to fully soak in the fact that Tom DeLay is on Dancing with the Stars dancing to "Wild Thing"...and doing a good job. So is Aaron Carter, for that matter (I mean, I haven't doubted him since "That's How I Beat Shaq") YouTube that immediately. Here are some things that seem to have happened while I was grinding to Ace of Base in a Brazilian discoteca:

1) Khloe Kardashian is getting married. HUH?? That family can do no wrong in my eyes but honestly KK #3. Think about this. You don't have to tie the knot just to prove you're not a man any more. The world is almost 98% sure you're not packing sausage anymore!

2) The Emmys happened. I don't really care or know who won anything bu

t the dresses were really interesting this year! Even Blake Lively (who, for some reason, my mind has ostracized from positive thoughts, looked smokin'). If you care about this type of thing at all check out this website: http://gofugyourself.celebuzz.com/

3) Summer Obsessions: Taylor from the rachel zoe project (her style and I Hate Everything attitude kill me), caipirinhas- made only with cachaça, not vods, blazers I need more but should probably start working before I commit money I don't have, amazing food - more importantly having time to make good things and/or eat it with great people- there's just no reason to eat bad food anymore, naps, great in any season but falling asleep poolside with a great book brings it to a whole new level of phenom relaxation.

4) also. WTF HAPPENED TO MY SUMMER?? Even my alma mater has begun classes which means its legit late in the game right now. Fortunately for me, the party continues! I'm going to SF after Canada to visit the 99% of my classmates who have chosen to reside in the bay arreeeaaaa after grad. I. Can't. Wait.

5) WHIP IT IS GOING TO BE MY FAVORITE MOVIE OF ALL TIME.

Here is an important video I took at the zoo in DC this summer. This sea lion scooted its way into my soul.

"You guys...I'm getting married!"

Obviously not. BUT I've always dreamed of uttering these words of jubilation to my special friends and family when I finally do meet that special someone. The following article struck as me as interesting (and much more light hearted fare than my previous post) because I always envisioned myself tying the knot somewhere around the age of 26- same age as this author. 

In this modern day (especially for a woman who wants to work) the question of marriage hovers amidst the chaos of financial stability, achieving career goals in a timely manner and, of course, the ticking away of one's biological clock. As I have gotten older, I realize my expectation of being all settled down by 26 is probably not realistic (I think I've made it pretty clear by now that I do not have a job) for several reasons. Marriage always seemed like such a foreign concept to me, only to be associated with the super-old and mature, but nooowww people who I once stood side-by-side and took shots of Popov with are now taking the ultimate leap into marital fidelity. Which is crazy. In Vegas, there are always a lot of sleazy bachelor parties going on which have definitely been fun and to my advantage but on a recent trip to Austin, TX, one of my best friends and I somehow became involved in a very different kindof bachelor soiree. These guys were actually nice and polite...aaaand no one (save for one sneaky creeper) was over 30!!! And it turned out that a lot of the "bachelors" were actually married! That entire weekend gave me entirely new perspective on marriage- one can be young, happy, fun, working, carefree...AND MARRIED?!! HUH?? 

Anyway, read the article and see for yourself what category (designated by time-zone cultural differences) you seem to fall into with your beliefs in the "right" age for marriage.

The Marriage Divide, Washingtonpost.com

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/08/31/AR2009083101839.html

YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF JOE WILSON. I FEEL SORRY FOR YOUR CONSTITUENTS IN SOUTH CAROLINA.

In case you were wondering, his website is currently down (probably due to the soaring influx of hate mail) but I literally can not believe the disrespect for the OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENCY that took place last night. 

Rap Lyrics vs. The Beatles

This past Saturday night, my family and I passed the time by cooking dinner together. In case you were wondering we made Sugar & Spice Duck Breast with White Corn Truffle Polenta and Kale (recipe available at Williams-Sonoma.com) and it was delicious. Anyway, while we were cooking, the Mother decided to pump up the jams by playing some tracks from Whitney Houston's new album which, unfortunately, blows harder than the dick she sucked to feed her coke habit. Poor Whit. After about 30 minutes, I became anxious listening to this monstrosity of a record and decided to swap it for a Beatles CD (also, I hadn't used a CD in awhile and I put it in face down ha ha). It was a hit...of course! The Father, Mother, and I all joined in and were able to enjoy one classic melody after another. But when "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" came on, Father made a comment that really stuck with me for the duration of the evening- while casually stirring the fig-infused au jus he remarked, "Now those were some risque lyrics!"  At first I did the usual oh-em-gee-you-are-my-dad-and-therefore-I-am-obligated-to-think-everything-you-say-is-uncool eye roll but then Mother said "I mean, it really is poetry...none of this Bitch come here baby baby oh ya ya" (which by the way, is her most commonly used lyric when referring to any rap song ever made). I thought for a second and realized I didn't have the heart, or the stomach really, to bring to their attention the fact that rap lyrics today extend far beyond a mere frequent usage of the word "bitch" but rather have become so obscene that it has become kindof embarrassing to even sing along to one's favorite song...which is actually pretty bad! 

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE RAP MUSIC. My favorite (hazy) memories definitely consist of grinding to some saucy Lil Jon mix followed by endless Pitbull in a stranger's arms. One of my best friends at school once remarked to me about the defamatory nature of some of the lyrics (although she of course "loved the beat," too) but I heartily dismissed her prudishness and poured us another shot of Bacardi Razz (hardcore). But after chatting with my parents I realized that maybe something really should be done...but what? I do not think the music industry is responsible for all of the world's violence or even the degradation of women in general but honestly, what is the point of being so incredibly graphic?!? I mean, keep in the bedroom! Once when I was at the gym (literally, once, because  I think I went to the gym about 3 times all of senior year) I remember stepping off the Elliptical and nonchalantly singing along to "Shake That Monkey" by Too $hort. My sparkly earphones were in so I was unaware of the volume of my voice, as usual, but stopped and looked around awkwardly when I realized I had actually just said 

"Now put yo ass on his dick

Let him know you da baddest lil bitch
Put ya hand on ya clit
Ask him do he like that shit"

IN BROAD DAYLIGHT. IN PUBLIC. WITH A SMILE ON MY FACE. The melody is so catchy so I mean why not, right?! But wouldn't it be nice to go back to a simpler time when holding hands instead of dicks was normal for a first "date." I think so. The Beatles have lasted forever and its not embarrassing to listen to their songs with the elderly or youngsters. Yet their lyrics still retain the meaning and significance of love... and maybe even hint at provocative behaviors to come later. I think there is something to be said for being respectful of the private things that a man may want to do to a woman (or another man), or vice versa if you're a Lil Kim type. All of this being said I can't stop, won't stop (cause I came to get down) listening to rap songs but I will be more receptive to those who find the lyrics offensive.

So that was how I spent my Saturday night. I realize now that the most depressing thing about being in Las Vegas isn't the oppressive heat or my lack of friends on a daily basis but that the most amazing artists come to perform and DJ in clubs here (this weekend my current favorites LMFAO, Kaskade, and deadmau5 were ALL HERE) and I can't even go down to the strip to see them!!! Its beyond depressing because dancing to fun music used to fulfill a decent amount of my usual happiness quota but soon my family is going on a few trips so hopefully my mind will be taken off my lack of employment etc. 

HAPPY LABOR DAY Y'ALL! Thank god for Lifetime's "Goin' into Labor" Day specials. 

And feel free to share your favorite naughty rap lyrics below! 

You will all be happy to know that tonight, at approximately 12:18 am, my dog, after coming in from a midnight pee, happily trotted in while I was watching Sweeney Todd and dropped a bloody, dead rat at my feet. I am not a squeamish person usually but I have never EVER in my entire life screamed so loudly or just literally freaked out to the point of tears. I screamed until my parents awoke and were able to magically make it go away. Goodnight. My dog is a murderer and probably has rabies. 

Dying of laughter

As I post this, I am sitting in my room crying with laughter (not totally alone, mind you...Luke from More to Love is keeping the edge of loneliness at bay for the time being) and stumbled upon this article from AVClub...which is one of my favorite websites anyway. 

http://www.avclub.com/articles/american-apparel-just-fucking-with-us-now-and-fore,32057/

I went to American Apparel earlier today and am marveling at how accurate this is. READ IT. you'll laugh. 

Harry Potter and the Omission of Poignant Storyline Details

A Review of the 6th Theatrical Installment

This is probably the most belated thing ever to be written about anything but I delayed my personal  viewing of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince for several reasons. #1 I have always gone to the MIDNIGHT showing at the Uptown since the very first one (remember when we were on TV?!) and I felt awkward not being able to do so this summer. #2 I am just getting comfortable with the idea of going to movies alone. This weekend, however, my parents decided to take an impromptu T-ho vacation without telling me...leaving me alone to face my fear. The movie theater near my house was only showing HP on a 3-D IMAX screen...for $20. Well, let me tell you, friends...IT WAS WORTH IT!!!!! I felt extremely uncomfortable wearing the glasses alone but there were only like 6 other people in the theater (one was a 50-something man who was mildly attractive...I should have made a move, probably) so who cares. 

I must say that I have been a HUGE (like, psychotic proportions) Harry Potter fan since I was 12 and the first book came to the States. Every year, I would gaze longingly from my bedroom window in hopes of seeing a snowy owl delivering that sacred letter. One time, a pigeon flew into the glass and almost died and I took that particularly hard as I thought it may have been a sign from the big man himself- Dumbledore, I mean. But now I'm 22 and done with all the schooling I know about so one would think I've given up hope (I haven't). When the movies first came out I was nervous like every hardcore HP-er, nervous that they would suck and take away all of the righteousness of the novels. But the casting has been excellent and the movies are great. Not only have they included some of my favorite actors of all time (Alan Rickman, Maggie Smith, Helena Bonham Carter), but the god-like casting agents have given us two brand new panty creamers to adore in the form of Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Grint. 

Before the release of each movie I re-read every book (I just like them a lot ok?!) not because I'm trying be to that annoying girl ("um, excuse me, but Dolores Umbridge was chased into the forest by Centaurs!") about details but it just gets me in the mood. Up until this last movie, however, I was able to see past the glaring omission of certain plot details that feature prominently in the novel. This past movie, as much as I enjoyed it, was unfortunately by far the most loosely interpreted so I think its important to completely separate the movie series from that of the books. Apples to oranges, if you will. Not only were some points out of order, but the most beautiful line in all of literature (when the weakened Dumbledore says "I am not worried, Harry, I am with you" - I mean. My eyes are tearing up even now) was completely left out for random asinine moments that can only be described as a weakened attempt at British teen romantic "humour"- I seriously just did not understand why the director decided to take this direction, peppering a fine screenplay with meaningless banter. Hermione also sucked in this movie (not the strong, can-do woman we normally expect) and was annoying and cry-y and whiny. If I were Ron, I would have gone with Lavender too. The end was a major cop out as well. I suppose filming a full-fledged wizard funeral complete with flying carriages and Mermish serenades may have put quite a strain on an already ball busting budget ... but that whole lighted-wand shindig seemed more appropriate for a U2 concert- lighters up, y'all. I mean. 

Complaining this much about one of my favorite pastimes is very hard for me. Despite my griping, I left this movie with a smile on my 3-D bespectacled face and, of course, wanting more. I CAN'T WAIT TO RE-READ THE ENTIRE SERIES IN ANTICIPATION OF THE LAST 2 (TWO!!!) FILMS!!! Back to waiting for my owl...

Update on Previous Post

So apparently they found Ryan (the murder suspect) dead in British Columbia. I wonder if he had time to cut off his own fingers and knock out his teeth before committing suicide? Upon hearing the news my mom paused and said "well, good. at least our money won't be wasted on an expensive trial." 

Does this mean they'll start re-airing the unseen Megan episodes?!?! I am forever hopeful. 

Hooray for Plastic Surgery!!

I don't know how many of you are addicted to VH1 D-list reality shows like myself but this whole murder mystery surrounding one of the king douche bags on "Megan Wants a Millionaire" is so SO twisted. This model (by model I mean a COCKtail waitress at the Playboy Bunny club in our beloved Vegas) was found battered and dead and STUFFED INTO A SUITCASE. Someone had removed her TEETH and FINGERS. Without dental records, the identification of mutilated bodies is decidedly more difficult but our modern day Jack-the-Ripper underestimated detectives by leaving her surgically enhanced breasts untampered. This woman, turns out was eventually identified by serial number on he implants!!! This is straight from CSI. It's crazy. And sad. Anyway, maybe Double-F implantations with personalized information are not for everyone but perhaps we should all have some sort of chip in us...my dog has one in case she runs away, so clearly the technology is adaptable to organic species. Just a thought. 

Unfortunately for addicts like me, VH1 has decided to postpone the release of future episodes indefinitely...or until this guy, who seemed like a pretty first rate contender from the first few episodes, is (unlikely) proven innocent. How will I ever know who Megan chose? (Apparently it's not him btw because its suspected that he ran away to Canada...Literally. Like, on foot) *tear* HOW WILL I EVER GET MY TRASHY REALITY FIX NOW?!!?!? uhhhh. 

My Grueling Summer Schedule

So. A lot of you out there have been curious as to how I have been spending my post graduate days. I really did not think much of it as I've been having a pretty leisurely (to put it modestly) time in the Silver State. But. It's August (!!!) now... almost a two full months later and I myself have  begun to wonder what the hell I've been doing. So, how does a girl who (A) lives in a place so hot its lethal to step outside during daylight hours (B) has no friends in her new place of residence and (C) is utterly and entirely without employment spend her days?? What follows is a pretty accurate progression of most of my days:

10:00am- I awake. Anyone who is my friend is probably laughing because in my previous life it was a miracle if I saw daylight before noon. But now that I am older and maturing, I find that I can get up early!

10:15-11:00am- breakfast! I never used to eat breakfast (I guess probably because I got up after lunch) but I'm becoming a very prolific omelette chef.

11:00- noon - workout with a trainer or doctor's appointment or some such errand

1:00pm - LUNCH. Also includes "obsession time" which can last anywhere from 5 minutes to the rest of the day depending on my mood. This is when I freak out a little about the fact that I have no job, no discernible future, and discover new and potentially life threatening ailments that require the immediate attention of a doctor (thus the weekly appointments...)

3:00 - Tyra.

4:00 - Oprah.

5:00 - Ina.

(my girls!)

6:00 - pick up stuff for dinner. My family used to be very carry-out oriented but as both the mother and I are out of employment we have savored the art of home cooked meals. By we I mean she. She cooks.

8:00 - take my dog for a walk. This is my first (surprising) mention of a creature who basically is the star of my life.

9:00 - email/computer time. Check in on Perez, Washingtonpost.com, and send apps and emails/reply to the various Production Companies, Employment Agencies, Craigslistings, Personal Contacts that have yet to procure any real employment results. (I'm still hopeful!)

11:00 - Read til bed. (updates on on lcthebookclub.blogspot soon but right now I am finishing The Brief Wondrous Life (I know I know I'm, like, so behind the curve) and I just read The Abstinence Teacher by Tom Perrotta - a must for fans of his Little Children)

As you can see, this schedule allows for a lot of self-reflection- resulting in both positive and negative action. Things get really spicy when Lark and I take in a flick at the local casino (sup Red Rock Gaming Co.) and I go visit people every other week... Well. At least I'm getting up early enough to see natural sunlight!

More burning questions:

Q. Do you really not have ANY friends out there??

A. No. Literally, none. Like NO. My phonebook has literally ZERO contacts from the LV area.

Q. Do you like LV?

A. No.

Q. Aren't you, like, bored?

A. Honestly, no. I'm an only child. I don't really mind being alone and I can always find ways of self amusement...like... starting a blog?! Weekends kindof suck and are awkward but I've gotten over it. 

Q. Where do you want to live??

A. Right now LA for sure! But I'm not ruling out NY if I can somehow get a job there...

Thanks to all my (3) followers! You are the fire in my soul. 

Lans is coming soon! So exci! 

This blog would not be complete without the one who started it all..and to be honest it was her idea to start a "fashionista" blog in the first place...because we're, like, both SOOOOO fashion forward. Alanna will begin updating as soon as I can figure out how to make her an admin. This is probably the most exciting thing I've done all summer besides spend an entire day (July 5) curled in bed with a friend and ordering three different types of delivery foods in a 12 hour period while watching constant replays of "Michael Jackson" The Life, The Legacy" specials...both of us too incapacitated to move or ponder the events of the previous night. 

WILL ANYONE BESIDES ME EVER READ THIS? 

waiting for my boyfriend outside his car in Santa Monica

I have no idea in what direction to take this blog (much like the state of my life post-college right now) but for all intents and purposes this probably will not be a "Fashionista" blog (hahaha lans) and I probably will not make any money from this...but I will try. 

The name "Tutto e Gratis" was inspired by a quarter abroad in Florence in which one of my friends, superseding all conventions of normalcy and morality, was able to procure an abundance of goodies by simply asking "e gratis?" meaning "it's free?" which really always came out as more of a statement than a question. 

Lesson Learned: The best things in life (shoes, kebab, free entry to Twice and Space) may not be free but that does not mean you can't shamelessly demand that they should be.