A few weeks ago I posted a hilarious link about the new Bag O' Scraps...literally a bag of the assorted excess fabric pieces from the sweaty (yet US-made) factory floor, currently available at American Apparel for an unnecessary amount of money. I am all for many of the bizarre items these stores have to offer - onesies are my absolute favorite thing to wear, they have neon in abundance, and of course every type of comfortable t-shirt known to man. Recently, however, while scouring the shelves for a new pair of stirrup tights I came across a new product that shocked even me. My moral compass isn't exactly always pointed in the most pious direction but one look at CUT-OUT PANTYHOSE and I began to laugh.
Now. There are so many things wrong with this I do not even know where to begin. For one, they seem to feature a control top of sorts but I'm wondering how well this function works when THERE IS LITERALLY A GAPING HOLE EXPOSING YOUR ASS CHEEKS. Free willy. I found myself wondering, where, WHERE in god's name do you wear such a thing?? I think most people out there are pretty rational and can hypothesize a lengthy list of why this is a fashion don't but I've decided to go along with AA's little scheme and propose a few places where wearing assless tights would work just fine.
1) Adult Entertainment Convention. Sasha Grey, the pornstar turned indie actress who is modeling these buttless wonders is certainly no stranger to Las Vegas's very own AVN awards. If she's wearing them, they must be ok. (don't ask how or why I know this)
2) A Frat Party. Before you bring on the judgement, ladies, I know you've all been in a situation where you don't want to sacrifice sexy for panty lines...and, especially when you're wearing a skirt, it's hard to ward off creepy fingers on the dance floor. (no? ok.) But THIS miracle product provides a protective barrier to your lady parts while still vamping up the backdoor sexy.
3) The Beach. These pantyhose are basically the opposite silhouette of the average bikini bottom, so to avoid ugly backside tanlines, these are clearly the right choice.
4) Walking your dog. why not?!
5) Setting a Good Example. Fashion is important. Children are our future and they need to know that American Apparel is the classiest place to suit up - now and forever.
Baby got back indeed.
These items, including a new maternity wear line, are all available at AA's online store. In conclusion, my only real complaint about this whole ordeal is the fact that they haven't come out with the stirrup version yet! Christmas '09 y'all!!
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