And so it begins...again.

Yes it's been awhile free lovers. A full YEAR and 6 months. That's pretty insane that it has been that long since I last wrote but that a year and a half of my working life has passed me by. But in the summer since we last conversed I have managed to be employed by two different companies and moved to the city of my dreams. There is way too much in the world of all things pop that has transpired since the summer of 2009 (I am still very much in denial that it has been almost two years since I graduated from school and have taken up a very unhealthy habit of loudly proclaiming that I am TWENTY YEARS OLD every time I go out so every one can here - ME ME ME!!!) so let's just not even try.

Here are 5 things that I must say:
1. I am peeing my pants with excitement about Angry Boys.
2. I joined a touch football league HAHAHA but actually.
3. I have developed a very strange pretend friendship with Andy Cohen.
4. I own a ShakeWeight and have used it irregularly.
5. I want to know more about Gretchen Christine Beaute.

This post though has less to do with the world around me and more about what's within. Very deep within. Two of my best buds in the city and myself have decided to undertake what is known as a juice fast cleanse. Specifically the Blue Print Cleanse (insert obligatory link, twitter account, and Facebook page here) after conducting research on several other options. I myself tried the infamous Beyonce spicy lemon cleanse in school and looked great for about 2.5 hours until I ate a string cheese...which led to 2 cookies...which led to an entire box of Bagel Bites.

This time, however, I am excited to try something concocted by *expert* scientists and feast on a range of juice (Green with lettuce, kale, wheatgrass etc), a tangy citrus infused water, and cashew almond milk at bed time. I also feel excited that I will have two ladies by my side while we embark on this journey to true serenity. Can you tell I am seriously trying to psych myself up?? After going to Canyon Ranch with the mother, I must admit I have become a more intense believer in these healthy, holistic paths to overall well being and this fits nicely in line with the fact that the big 2-4 is juuuuust around the corner.

SO -

Twas the night before the cleanse and all through the apartment,
Every girl inside knew their food sins they must soon repent
They eagerly awaited the very next day
When their journey looking skins would soon be underway...

More of that terrible poem to come. For now, let's just hope I don't get too Hangry tomorrow and quit after the very first juice!

That's enough American Apparel, that's enough.

A few weeks ago I posted a hilarious link about the new Bag O' Scraps...literally a bag of the assorted excess fabric pieces from the sweaty (yet US-made) factory floor, currently available at American Apparel for an unnecessary amount of money. I am all for many of the bizarre items these stores have to offer - onesies are my absolute favorite thing to wear, they have neon in abundance, and of course every type of comfortable t-shirt known to man. Recently, however, while scouring the shelves for a new pair of stirrup tights I came across a new product that shocked even me. My moral compass isn't exactly always pointed in the most pious direction but one look at CUT-OUT PANTYHOSE and I began to laugh.

Now. There are so many things wrong with this I do not even know where to begin. For one, they seem to feature a control top of sorts but I'm wondering how well this function works when THERE IS LITERALLY A GAPING HOLE EXPOSING YOUR ASS CHEEKS. Free willy. I found myself wondering, where, WHERE in god's name do you wear such a thing?? I think most people out there are pretty rational and can hypothesize a lengthy list of why this is a fashion don't but I've decided to go along with AA's little scheme and propose a few places where wearing assless tights would work just fine.

1) Adult Entertainment Convention. Sasha Grey, the pornstar turned indie actress who is modeling these buttless wonders is certainly no stranger to Las Vegas's very own AVN awards. If she's wearing them, they must be ok. (don't ask how or why I know this)

2) A Frat Party. Before you bring on the judgement, ladies, I know you've all been in a situation where you don't want to sacrifice sexy for panty lines...and, especially when you're wearing a skirt, it's hard to ward off creepy fingers on the dance floor. (no? ok.) But THIS miracle product provides a protective barrier to your lady parts while still vamping up the backdoor sexy.

3) The Beach. These pantyhose are basically the opposite silhouette of the average bikini bottom, so to avoid ugly backside tanlines, these are clearly the right choice.

4) Walking your dog. why not?!

5) Setting a Good Example. Fashion is important. Children are our future and they need to know that American Apparel is the classiest place to suit up - now and forever.

Baby got back indeed.

These items, including a new maternity wear line, are all available at AA's online store. In conclusion, my only real complaint about this whole ordeal is the fact that they haven't come out with the stirrup version yet! Christmas '09 y'all!!

So Much Publicity!

last vestige of my former life.

Just as the blog seems to be picking up steam and notoriety (HA HA just as I always predicted, of course. but for real I'm obsessed with anyone reading this right now) it seems that I have become busy somehow! Not busy like "omg-the new melrose place is on at the same time as 18 kids and counting" but ACTUALLY, real life busy! I have been traveling (just got back from Brazil - amazing time, amazing peopleeee getting crazy in taxis...apparently) and I'm going to Canada tomorrow which I think is my parents' final stab at saying "please get out now or we'll make you take more trips like this." I do have a lot to say about a myriad of topics but I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open wide enough to fully soak in the fact that Tom DeLay is on Dancing with the Stars dancing to "Wild Thing"...and doing a good job. So is Aaron Carter, for that matter (I mean, I haven't doubted him since "That's How I Beat Shaq") YouTube that immediately. Here are some things that seem to have happened while I was grinding to Ace of Base in a Brazilian discoteca:

1) Khloe Kardashian is getting married. HUH?? That family can do no wrong in my eyes but honestly KK #3. Think about this. You don't have to tie the knot just to prove you're not a man any more. The world is almost 98% sure you're not packing sausage anymore!

2) The Emmys happened. I don't really care or know who won anything bu

t the dresses were really interesting this year! Even Blake Lively (who, for some reason, my mind has ostracized from positive thoughts, looked smokin'). If you care about this type of thing at all check out this website: http://gofugyourself.celebuzz.com/

3) Summer Obsessions: Taylor from the rachel zoe project (her style and I Hate Everything attitude kill me), caipirinhas- made only with cachaça, not vods, blazers I need more but should probably start working before I commit money I don't have, amazing food - more importantly having time to make good things and/or eat it with great people- there's just no reason to eat bad food anymore, naps, great in any season but falling asleep poolside with a great book brings it to a whole new level of phenom relaxation.

4) also. WTF HAPPENED TO MY SUMMER?? Even my alma mater has begun classes which means its legit late in the game right now. Fortunately for me, the party continues! I'm going to SF after Canada to visit the 99% of my classmates who have chosen to reside in the bay arreeeaaaa after grad. I. Can't. Wait.

5) WHIP IT IS GOING TO BE MY FAVORITE MOVIE OF ALL TIME.

Here is an important video I took at the zoo in DC this summer. This sea lion scooted its way into my soul.

"You guys...I'm getting married!"

Obviously not. BUT I've always dreamed of uttering these words of jubilation to my special friends and family when I finally do meet that special someone. The following article struck as me as interesting (and much more light hearted fare than my previous post) because I always envisioned myself tying the knot somewhere around the age of 26- same age as this author. 

In this modern day (especially for a woman who wants to work) the question of marriage hovers amidst the chaos of financial stability, achieving career goals in a timely manner and, of course, the ticking away of one's biological clock. As I have gotten older, I realize my expectation of being all settled down by 26 is probably not realistic (I think I've made it pretty clear by now that I do not have a job) for several reasons. Marriage always seemed like such a foreign concept to me, only to be associated with the super-old and mature, but nooowww people who I once stood side-by-side and took shots of Popov with are now taking the ultimate leap into marital fidelity. Which is crazy. In Vegas, there are always a lot of sleazy bachelor parties going on which have definitely been fun and to my advantage but on a recent trip to Austin, TX, one of my best friends and I somehow became involved in a very different kindof bachelor soiree. These guys were actually nice and polite...aaaand no one (save for one sneaky creeper) was over 30!!! And it turned out that a lot of the "bachelors" were actually married! That entire weekend gave me entirely new perspective on marriage- one can be young, happy, fun, working, carefree...AND MARRIED?!! HUH?? 

Anyway, read the article and see for yourself what category (designated by time-zone cultural differences) you seem to fall into with your beliefs in the "right" age for marriage.

The Marriage Divide, Washingtonpost.com

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/08/31/AR2009083101839.html

YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF JOE WILSON. I FEEL SORRY FOR YOUR CONSTITUENTS IN SOUTH CAROLINA.

In case you were wondering, his website is currently down (probably due to the soaring influx of hate mail) but I literally can not believe the disrespect for the OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENCY that took place last night. 

Rap Lyrics vs. The Beatles

This past Saturday night, my family and I passed the time by cooking dinner together. In case you were wondering we made Sugar & Spice Duck Breast with White Corn Truffle Polenta and Kale (recipe available at Williams-Sonoma.com) and it was delicious. Anyway, while we were cooking, the Mother decided to pump up the jams by playing some tracks from Whitney Houston's new album which, unfortunately, blows harder than the dick she sucked to feed her coke habit. Poor Whit. After about 30 minutes, I became anxious listening to this monstrosity of a record and decided to swap it for a Beatles CD (also, I hadn't used a CD in awhile and I put it in face down ha ha). It was a hit...of course! The Father, Mother, and I all joined in and were able to enjoy one classic melody after another. But when "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" came on, Father made a comment that really stuck with me for the duration of the evening- while casually stirring the fig-infused au jus he remarked, "Now those were some risque lyrics!"  At first I did the usual oh-em-gee-you-are-my-dad-and-therefore-I-am-obligated-to-think-everything-you-say-is-uncool eye roll but then Mother said "I mean, it really is poetry...none of this Bitch come here baby baby oh ya ya" (which by the way, is her most commonly used lyric when referring to any rap song ever made). I thought for a second and realized I didn't have the heart, or the stomach really, to bring to their attention the fact that rap lyrics today extend far beyond a mere frequent usage of the word "bitch" but rather have become so obscene that it has become kindof embarrassing to even sing along to one's favorite song...which is actually pretty bad! 

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE RAP MUSIC. My favorite (hazy) memories definitely consist of grinding to some saucy Lil Jon mix followed by endless Pitbull in a stranger's arms. One of my best friends at school once remarked to me about the defamatory nature of some of the lyrics (although she of course "loved the beat," too) but I heartily dismissed her prudishness and poured us another shot of Bacardi Razz (hardcore). But after chatting with my parents I realized that maybe something really should be done...but what? I do not think the music industry is responsible for all of the world's violence or even the degradation of women in general but honestly, what is the point of being so incredibly graphic?!? I mean, keep in the bedroom! Once when I was at the gym (literally, once, because  I think I went to the gym about 3 times all of senior year) I remember stepping off the Elliptical and nonchalantly singing along to "Shake That Monkey" by Too $hort. My sparkly earphones were in so I was unaware of the volume of my voice, as usual, but stopped and looked around awkwardly when I realized I had actually just said 

"Now put yo ass on his dick

Let him know you da baddest lil bitch
Put ya hand on ya clit
Ask him do he like that shit"

IN BROAD DAYLIGHT. IN PUBLIC. WITH A SMILE ON MY FACE. The melody is so catchy so I mean why not, right?! But wouldn't it be nice to go back to a simpler time when holding hands instead of dicks was normal for a first "date." I think so. The Beatles have lasted forever and its not embarrassing to listen to their songs with the elderly or youngsters. Yet their lyrics still retain the meaning and significance of love... and maybe even hint at provocative behaviors to come later. I think there is something to be said for being respectful of the private things that a man may want to do to a woman (or another man), or vice versa if you're a Lil Kim type. All of this being said I can't stop, won't stop (cause I came to get down) listening to rap songs but I will be more receptive to those who find the lyrics offensive.

So that was how I spent my Saturday night. I realize now that the most depressing thing about being in Las Vegas isn't the oppressive heat or my lack of friends on a daily basis but that the most amazing artists come to perform and DJ in clubs here (this weekend my current favorites LMFAO, Kaskade, and deadmau5 were ALL HERE) and I can't even go down to the strip to see them!!! Its beyond depressing because dancing to fun music used to fulfill a decent amount of my usual happiness quota but soon my family is going on a few trips so hopefully my mind will be taken off my lack of employment etc. 

HAPPY LABOR DAY Y'ALL! Thank god for Lifetime's "Goin' into Labor" Day specials. 

And feel free to share your favorite naughty rap lyrics below! 

You will all be happy to know that tonight, at approximately 12:18 am, my dog, after coming in from a midnight pee, happily trotted in while I was watching Sweeney Todd and dropped a bloody, dead rat at my feet. I am not a squeamish person usually but I have never EVER in my entire life screamed so loudly or just literally freaked out to the point of tears. I screamed until my parents awoke and were able to magically make it go away. Goodnight. My dog is a murderer and probably has rabies.